My Blood, My Heart & My Life....she completes me

It has been more than 2 months now since I committed myself to a woman who will soon be my wife on 14 Nov 09. It was originally planned for me to get married beginning of next year. Being a devoted family person, I soon realised that I was increasingly feeling attached to my prospective wife and my love for her grew very much stronger each day. It was indeed an expensive love affair that have got me shuttling between Singapore and Kuala Lumpur quite often and numerous overseas phone calls.

Looking back from the day I decided to take her to be my wife, on 9 Aug 09, it wasn't long ago, but my love for her grew like wild fire and feeling very happy thinking of her everyday. Though I must admit that at times I felt reserved and hope that everything goes well.

When I lost my late wife it was like feeling half of me was gone. Though I continue to get back to the routine of my daily activity, life did not seem to be exciting anymore. Everything seemed like a chore and more like living for others. The joy of looking forward to have intimate moment or just sharing stories and secrets with someone you love was not there for the past 3 and half years. Life is but no zest.

I am happy and excited to be married again and looking forward to the 14th of November 2009. I know that I have found someone who loves me very much and will make my life exciting again.

Only those who have been married for more than a decade or more would understand the true meaning of a man being half without a wife and vice versa. Metaphorically, a wife is like half my blood, half my heart and half my life. For the past 3 and half years my blood was half full, my heart was half numbed and my life was half filled. The woman I am about to marry is infusing my half-full blood giving me energy, healing my aching heart to keep me going, filling my life with excitement and greater sense of purpose and she completes me again. I pray that Allah will cause all our plan to succeed and grant us happiness in this world and hereafter, insyaAllah.

Found my other half

It all began in mid 2008. I started looking for a mate in a matrimonial website after much encouragement and persuasion from friends and relatives to consider getting married again after loosing my wife of 24 years in an accident in Jun 2006. It was also a deeper thought that prompted me to consider marriage not only for myself but for my two younger children who are deprived of motherly love and care at a very young age. Coupled with my declining ability to cope with their academic need, I decided that it was time to actively look for a suitable life partner who will compliment my effort to continue living a decent family life. And more importantly marriage offers me peace and tranquility to grow old with someone who love and care for me. And so the journey began....

I want to record this event while it is still fresh in my mind so that the difficulty of looking for a suitable soul mate and the joy of finding one will always be reflected as it was.

I remember joining the matrimonial website for the first time in mid 2008 as a free member, being very cautious and apprehensive about revealing my identity. And as a free member I could only get to read the email and chat with the paying female members. Soon I realised that I had no choice of my own being a free member as I was subjected to women who called the shot, because they were the ones paying the bill so they choose who they want to chat with or bother to read the mails or reply them. Not long after, I took a bold step of joining as paid member and put up my profile and post my picture describing my true identity in the hope I'll get response from female members who were truly thinking of building a family. Well, I also realised the predicament I was in, having 5 children of varying ages and my advanced age nearing half a century, not an attractive profile to start with.

I started being a paid member for a month and during that period I chatted with several female members, mostly singles from Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia. I set my criteria and adhered strictly to it. I first look at the picture to find if it is pleasing to the eye, and then the profile making sure that they are unmarried single, one who has no "baggage" preferably. I gave it a miss to the profiles which have no photos. In the beginning I was naive and didn't realise that some women described their status as single but they were married before and divorced. I may seemed biased, but I knew too well and seen too many ladies in such situation having trouble with marriage and to get involved with them would be almost certain to get yourself in trouble having to deal with your own baggage and hers. Well, we are living in this time of "Jahiliah" and who could blame me?. So I avoid it from the start. There are many occassions I met such women on the website but we only lasted after one or two chats. Some even were flirting in the website while still in the process of separation, but declared single in their profile. But there are also many seemingly good ladies out there, but I find difficulty to connect with them.

Interestingly, I had several candidates to consider in my pursuit, but indeed there was only one that stands out and remain to be significantly different from the rest till the end.

I remember distinctly how I chatted with that one member, called Z, who is single and had never marrried before. And on that first chat we went on for hours until the wee hours in the morning. She was listening to all my stories, of course they were true, and seemed so touched. I asked her if she would consider marrying a guy like me and she said she probably would, but she had to be sure. We left it at that, just a chat getting to know sort of thing.

Well, we got to chat again a couple of times later and she shared with me about her ailing father and we exchange emails. We became friends over the net and shared life experiences from time to time. My effort in looking for life partner continued during this period and I met many women and engaged in many chats mostly ended up with no match. Of course by the time Z has been in my favourite. Over time I found a couple more women who I put them in my favourite folder in the website. But I always favoured Z most and that over the entire period I actually found no one matched Z's profile which met most of my criteria. I almost gave up the effort to look for a partner in the website and took a long break before I came back. And when I came back to chat again, this time I communicated with many Middle Eastern women as I just took up Arabic lessons during weekends. Well, from time to time I contacted others who had been in my favourite list, including Z. I remember sending her an e-mail in Aug 08 to find out how she was doing. She didn't reply until Oct 08, and informed me that her father passed away one week before. From then on we communicated thru email and I had been writing to her giving advise in coping with difficult times and she responded taking me more like her elder brother, which of course upset me. Because I was really trying to woo her, but she did not see that, obviously. And of course I didn't really know how to do(woo)that.

I remember sending her email in Nov 08 and did not get a reply until Feb 2009 with an e-mail that angers me, of course I did not show her how I felt. In her email she tried to matchmake me with her newly found friend in her new workplace. There was a long pause since then and in Jun 09 somehow I bumped into her in the chatline of the matrimonial website and told her my plan to visit Kuala Lumpur and suggested that we should meet for the first time since we got to know each other thru the website about a year ago. She agreed and gave me her mobile phone number. I met her on 19 Jun 09 at Petaling Jaya. She was with her two female friends and I with my two younger children. We had dinner at the nearby Secret Recipe's restaurant and for the first time we had person-to-person talk, both were "chapperoned". I didn't really know what to talk about, but the presence of my two children was good to strike a conversation when I got stuck. We left after that but I called her mobile soon after and arranged for another meeting the next day. We brought the kids to Sunway Pyramid and let them skate on ice while we talked by the side. I began to have a good feeling for her and hope that all will turns out well. But I was cautious and didn't want to commit.

We continued our communication thru yahoo chatline and became more and more attracted to each other. The efforts to get to know each other intensified. We met again in Johor Bahru on 25 Jul 09 and that was the defining moment for both of us. I expressed my interest in her and she responded positively.
I visited her again in Aug 09 and met her siblings on 9 Aug 09 and informed them of our plan to get married.

It has been a trying moment for me in getting a life partner. First, the tiring effort looking for suitable partner and then having to deal with the love ones at home. When I broke the news about my intention to get married, there was resentment among my older children. Their feeling were understandable and they needed time to adjust but I couldn't tell them earlier because I wasn't sure then. Alhamdulilah, by Allah's grace my older children are more enlightened and eventually they concur with me. I now have the full support of all my children and are quite ready to go ahead with the plan to get married.

Z and I had agreed on many things about what to expect in marriage as we talked about it. She seems ready and so am I.

I began to invest my time on her and build the emotional banking (EB) to ensure that we have good start building a strong foundation of good and lovely feeling for each other that will stand the test of time. On 15 Aug 09 I bought a diamond ring and booked a flight to KL to present to her the next day. It was given to her as an engagement ring, a day before her birthday. We were planning to marry on the first day of Jan next year, giving ourselves some time to make adjustments to our daily norms making space to accomodate new person in our lives.

We certainly have no idea what is in store for us in the future. I believe that whatever happens it will be the outcome of our efforts making it happens, of course with the permission of the Almight Allah s.w.t.

To my newly found love, Z, may Allah protect us and give us good health and everlasting happiness. Ameen.

With Allah's blessings, I am very excited and happy having found my other half and hope that it will end in marriage to complete me, insyaAllah.

Death is ordained - You'll never know when the end is near

I realize that everyday, time passes so fast and I can sense the increase of my age on every new day. I get use to the mixed felling of sad and happy to begin the day. Happy to see the sun and have the opportunity to do good deeds as investment for the hereafter and sad to know that my life is shortened by a day. And the thought that I will die the next minute has always been creeping in my mind whenever I had uneasy feeling about my health. The worry about what is going to happen to my three younger children after I passed on just makes me feel more uneasy and unsettle. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward live event so that my children can grow faster and be independent in my current situation, status quo. But again I would be much older by the time they grew up, for me to do anything what is left to do for myself.

The "untimely death" of many people I knew, some close to me, makes me more conscious of the certainty of Allah's promise of death being ordained and that no one can stop when the day comes and that no living soul knows the coming of the day.

This reminds me of a poem which I read when I was 15 years old, some 35 years ago. I like to share the interesting poem with a title "Wherever you are, death will find you out"

This is the tale of an Average Man,
Who acts contrary to Allah's plan
If you are reflected herein,
Then repent and commit no sin.

It was early in the morning at four,
When death knocked upon a bedroom door,
"Who is there?" the sleeping one cried,
"I am 'Izra'il, let me inside."

At once, the man began to shiver,
As one sweating in deadly fever,
He shouted to his sleeping wife,
"Don't let him take away my life."

"Please go away, O Angel of Death!
Leave me alone, I'm not ready yet,
My family on me depend,
Give me a chance, O please perpend!"

The Angel knocked again and again,
"Friend! I'll take your life without a pain,
It is your soul that Allah require,
I come not with my own desire."

Bewildered, the man began to cry,
"O Angel, I am so afraid to die,
I'll give you gold, and be your slave,
Don't send me to the unlit grave."

"Let me, in, O Friend!" the Angel said,
"Open the door get up from your bed,
If you do not allow me in,
I will walk through it, like a Jinn."

The man held a gun in his right hand,
Ready to defy the Angel's stand
I'll point my gun towards your head,
You dare come in, I'll shoot you dead."

By now the Angel was in the room,
Saying, "O Friend! prepare for your doom,
Foolish man, Angels never die,
Put down your gun and do not sigh."

"Why are you afraid! tell me O Man,
To die according to Allah's plan?
Come smile at me, do not be grim,
Be happy to return to Him."

"O Angel! I bow my head in shame,
I had no time to take Allah's name,
From morning till dusk, I made my wealth,
Never even caring for my health."

"Allah's commands, I never obeyed,
Nor five times a day, I ever prayed,
A Ramadan came and Ramadan went,
But no time had I to repent."

"The Haj was already Hard on me,
But I would not part with my money,
All charities, I did ignore,
Taking usury, more and more."

Sometimes I sipped my favourite wine,
With flirting women I sat to dine,
O Angel! I appeal to you,
Spare my life for a year or two."

The laws of Qura'an, I'll obey,
I'll begin to Solat, this very day,
My fast and Haj, I will complete,
And keep away from self-conceit."

"I will refrain from usury,
And give all my wealth to charity,
Wine and wenches I will detest,
Allah's Oneness I will attest."

"We Angels do what Allah demands,
We cannot do against His Commands,
DEATH is ordained for everyone,
Father, mother, daughter and son,"

"I'm afraid, this moment is your last,
Now be reminded, more of your past,
I do understand your fears,
But it is now too late for tears."

"You lived in this world two score or more,
Never did you your people adore,
Your parents, you did not obey,
Hungry beggars you turned away."

"Your two ill-gotten female off springs,
In night clubs, livelihood they sing,
Instead of making more Muslims,
You made your children non-Muslims."

"You ignored the Muazzin's Azan,
Nor did you read the Holy Qur'an,
Breaking promises all your life,
Backbiting friends, and causing strife."

"From hoarded goods great profits you made,
And your poor workers, you underpaid,
Horses and cards were your leisure,
Money-making was your pleasure."

"You ate vitamins, and grew more fat,
With the very sick you never sat,
A pint of blood, you never gave,
Which could a little baby save."

"O Human, you have done enough wrong,
You bought good properties for a song,
When the farmers appealed to you,
You did not have mercy, it's true."

"Paradise for you? I cannot tell,
Undoubtedly you will dwell in hell,
There's no time for you to repent,
I'll take your soul, for which I'm sent."

The ending, however, is very sad,
Eventually, the man became mad,
With a cry he jumped out of bed,
And suddenly, he fell down dead.

O Reader, take a moral from here,
Never know your end may be near,
Change your living and make amends,
For Heaven, on your deeds depend.

(This poem is woven around the Qura'anic verse in suratun Nisa - 4:78)
Extracted from "Muslim News" - August 1974.

Missing my other half....

5 June 1982 was a very historical day for me. At 23 years old I married my wife who just turned 20 about 6 weeks before the wedding and we were both excited and passionate about each other on our first night and the passion never died for more than 24 years in happy marriage bearing 5 children over the years. The day marked the moment I felt complete as a person having a wife to fullfil my needs as I was fulfiling her's. I enjoyed being a husband to my wife and a father to our children. We had a wonderful married life. Being married to a virtuous woman is indeed a blessing from the Almighty Allah who completes you as a human being He created in pairs, giving you peace and harmony living in this temporary world.

15 June 2006 was the fateful day I like to forget with much difficulty. It marked the beginning of my journey walking on the face of this earth feeling half of me is gone. Three years had gone by and the sadness of remembering the fateful day at times are quite overwhelming. The reality of living without the comfort of my wife hit me hard at times, making my body weak and eyes weep. Life is very different without a partner to talk to, when you once had for a long time. Sometimes I find difficulty to sleep and often kept myself busy doing something like office work, surfing the net, reading or do night prayer just to avoid the loneliness that often triggers the memory to flash the good old days and then caused me to feel sad and cry. Well, writing in my blog, like now, help me unbottle the sad feelings in loneliness, as if I was "talking" to someone (in the virtual world who have no idea who I am). I guess writing in my blog is a good outlet for me to channel out my grievances. Of course being a practising Muslim, I am very much in control of my situation. One interesting lesson I learned from reading the book by Mitch Albom title "Tuesdays with Morrie" was that in life it is okay to let yourself slide into your gloomy world of sadness in reminiscing the past as long as you are in control to pull yourself back to the world of reality and get on with your life. And that also makes you feel more human and more conscious of the existence of the Almighty Allah, knowing your limitations and weaknesses.

I suppose it is time for me to move on and start looking for my other "half" in the real world so that I can escape the misery of being in the state of loneliness that often caused me to slide into my gloomy world of sadness thinking of my previous "half" that has left this physical world of reality...May Allah guides me and cause me to make the right choices.

Living in Second Life

Having done the things I am doing for more than 2 years, I am beginning to feel like living in an entirely new life, a second one. The absence of my wife, completely changed my routine as compared to when she was still around. Starting my day with fajar prayer then prepare breakfast for the children, send them to school and childcare, go to work, fetch the children home, have dinner, oversee their school work, led them to bed, do some house chores or office work before I go to bed and the next day going through the same routine, sometimes feeling very exhausted if some of the things I did were intensive. I sometimes cook for the family during weekends. I used to do these things when my wife was still around doing them with her, mostly helping her out unlike now which I have to dutifully perform these acts all by myself. I am more or less settled with the new routine, making adjustments along the way for my children and I to get the best of situation. I am feeling somewhat pleased with my children's development, although I am not sure what are their inner thoughts and feelings living without a mother at a very young age, especially my last 3 sons (5, 7 & 13 years old at the time of the fatal accident). From time to time, I missed so much of my previous married life environment, always looking forward to be home in the comfort of my dearest wife. These days, I am always looking forward to the weekends and holidays so that I can spend quality time with my children. Weekdays are very hectic for us, with schools and work.

I pray that should Allah destined me the second chance in marriage, He will bless me with a righteous woman like my late wife (May Allah blessed her soul and grant her paradise).

I read a book on the islamic way of life series by As-Shaik Muhammad Ali al-Hashimi and find it very interesting on the islamic view of marriage and woman. I like to quote from the book the following for the benefits of those who read this subject of my blog.

"Marriage in Islam offers tranquillity to the soul and peace to the mind, so that man and woman may live together in an atmosphere of love, mercy, harmony, co-operation, mutual advice and tolerance, and lay the foundation for raising a Muslim family in a nurturing, sound environment. The Holy Qur'aan has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with tranquility, security, love, understanding and compassion : [Al-Qur'aan Surah Ar-Rom 30 verse 21 - And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts] : verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.]."

"Marriage is a union of souls, in the deepest sense. Allah, the Almighty joins these two souls together so that they may enjoy tranquillity and stability in a marital home filled with sincere love and compassionate mercy. In Islam, the righteous woman is viewed as one of the joys of this life, and a great blessings to a man, for he comes home to her and relaxes after facing the struggles of life, and finds with her incomparable peace, comfort and pleasure. The prophet (s.a.w.) spoke only the truth said : 'This world is just a temporary convenience, and the best comfort in this world is a righteous woman.' - Shahih Muslim - Islam regards marriage very highly, and views femininity as something to be valued and cherished."

I agree wholeheartedly with the view. Indeed I had experienced such blessings with the taste of the best comfort in this world. I'd enjoyed the incomparable peace, comfort and pleasure in my late wife for more than 24 years. Though, it had been taken away from me, I pray that Allah gives me the strength to exercise patience in going thru the journey of my life, with many tests along the way, no doubt. Surely, the passing of my wife was one of the many tests that was ordained on me. Life must go on, and the experiences of trials and tribulations, successes and failures will be lessons learned to increase my consciousness towards Allah. I pray for Allah's guidance and mercy to cause me to do good deeds and obey His commands.

Islam strongly encourages marriage, to complete the nature of human kind who were created in pairs. While it is not a sin to remain single, I should know that marriage has its many advantages to repel evil and gain virtues.

In an effort to meet someone special without the involvement of third party, many singles today used the internet to avail themselves in the virtual environment. I had also in recent months joined the party. In this brief period involving myself in the "soul mate searching" activity, at times I found it to be a futile effort as some whom I met on-line were not truthful and those I think were honest and sincere seemed cautious and skeptical towards me, and you can't blame them. But most disappointing was finding people who "hang out" in the matrimonial website just want to be friendly and had no serious intention to be "matched", and some even gave false hope to true and sincere souls who were searching for potential partners. Obviously, they were clueless of the main objective of such matrimonial or match-making websites or simply don't understand the language well enough to define the word. Well, in some other more unfortunate event, which I read from some reports, there were deliberate cheats who preyed on wandering souls in the virtual world with many of their convincing stories told over the net. At one point, I thought may be this isn't a good way to look for a partner, not only you will meet undesirable characters but it can be a very tedious process of screening your potential soul mate and by the time you realise she's not right for you or you for her, a big part of your life has "passed away", especially when you are in an advanced age group (40 and above). By that time, many exchanges would have taken place, some may be unnecessarily conveyed, and regrets can be the most torturing experience. But again, I thought that was just a matter of choice, in that you can make it clear from the beginning, start with honest introduction - reveal what is necessary, and if it is not accepted by the other party don't dwell on it, back off and leave. Perhaps it would not be a good idea to be too long hiding in the cloud of the virtual environment communicating with each other through chats and e-mails because really that will not provide a good opportunity to assess the individual character of a person. You will need to see the real person, and the internet perhaps at best provide the start (or rather the intro). But then again, I realised its not that simple. How could you expect someone to believe whatever you said and then start dating?.....Seems to be back to square one just like I thought in the beginning, inevitably having to go through the process of screening via the internet. However, I am not sure if investing your time on the long process of screening your potential partners or be subjected to screening through virtual environment would be a better option. Well, what could be other better ways to do it, I wondered. Anyway, there are many good lessons I learned from this short "adventure" in the virtual world. Indeed, one must be blessed to meet someone in the virtual environment and eventually live together in harmony in the real world. So, for those who persevere and continue to search for a matching soul in the virtual world, I say good luck.

For me, I'm taking a break from this activity and take my leave from the "Virtual - second life" and pay more attention to the reality of my physical second life. And the best is to leave to our Creator Who has charted our journey and destination. On our part, we have to exercise patience and be steadfast in applying islamic knowledge in our everyday life. What we want and don't get, may be that is better for us. And if we get something we don't really desire, that may also be good for us. All that we receive from Allah have wisdom worth pondering and we should not cultivate a habit of haste in our hearts. Like the saying goes "haste makes waste", so don't be quick to reject what has been bestowed upon us, as we are more likely to make mistakes and end up with regretable outcome for decision made without giving due consideration and time to reflect.

I am not sure whether I have acted in haste in many things I did in the past or even now. May Allah has mercy on me, guide me and increase my wisdom and cause me to make the right choices in life.

Purpose of life - My Doa (Supplication)

Today is Arafah Day 1429 Hijrah (Islamic Calender)

Have you ever wondered why we are here in this world? With everyone seemed to be racing to achieve the epitome of success (whatever that is) in this world, very few of us really give serious thought about our very existence, the purpose of our lives. Having listened to numerous islamic lectures, I subscribe to the believe that life is but a test and that whatever happens is pre-determined by the Almighty Allah as a form of trial for us to exercise our blessed gift of free choice.

I remember attending a public lecture by Dr Jeffrey Lang, an American revert to Islam, on 10 May 2008 at HDB Hub Auditorium on a topic Struggling to Surrender : A Journey to Islam. Dr Lang described his childhood experience, growing up with his siblings under the care of a very loving mother and sometimes abusive father. He also related his growing up period from being a Christian to become an Atheist and ultimately a Muslim. This was a backdrop of his lecture to give an idea how he travelled his life journey in search of the true peace he never had before he reverted to Islam. It was very interesting to note his insights from reading the Quran. He highlighted 3 main themes which he noted are repeatedly emphasised in the Quran: Intelligence, Choice and Sufferings. He said that Allah has bestowed upon human the intelligence so that they can think in order to make choices and sufferings are Allah's creation which are necessary in order for choices to be made. He also shared his understanding of Allah's many attributes such as merciful, compassionate, beneficient, gracious, protector, peaceful etc.. "breathed' into the souls of every human during pregnancy (as narrated in the Quran) which form a basis for human character development. As human grow, the choices they made will feed their natural attributes to grow either negatively or positively, developing the individual character. Thus, Islam has provided him a better understanding of the purpose of life.

I agree with Dr Lang's view on the purpose of life which he articulated so well. I am sure we are not programmed like the angels (as implied in the Quran surah Al-Baqarah verse 30) to effortlessly obey Allah's every command, but we are required to obey all His commands by using the blessed gift of intelligence to make the right choices in order to stay on the right path as we travel the journey in our lives towards the hereafter to be rewarded or punished for our deeds on earth.

My Doa
I seek Allah's guidance to show me the right path and that I will make the right choices with all that are presented to me. I seek Allah's mercy and blessings to increase my patience (steadfastness) in coping with every impasse. I pray that Allah will not put me to a test that I cannot bear.
Ameen.

Towards understanding Quran and Islam

By the grace of Allah, I chanced into a CD shop and in an instance spotted an MP3 CD title "Towards understanding Quran". Its a recording of lectures by a contemporary woman scholar, Aminah Elahi, on the entire Quran. The translation and explanation of the Quran by Aminah Elahi is very enlightening as I first listened to part of her lectures. Since then I made it a point to listen to the lectures in my car whenever I travel in it. Indeed, the lectures provide a better understanding of the Quran and I strongly recommend whomever wish to understand Islam and the Quran, get a copy of the CD or you can download the lectures from the following address : http://www.aswatalislam.net/DisplayFilesP.aspx?TitleID=2103 .

A must-listen lectures for both muslim and non-muslim..... for Muslim too will not escape the hell fire. Listen to the lectures to learn how to prepare ourselves for the life after death.

A great opportunity for the English speaking community, Muslim and non-Muslim, to learn about Islam and the holy Quran.